It started out as a conversation about potato salad and ended up with Kev throwing the mixing bowl on the floor and screaming, “I wish I’d never married you,” before he went rushing out the door. Julie cried for an hour afterward. Then she got down on her knees and cleaned up the mess. And then she called her mother. She wasn’t expecting what her mother said.
“You can come home to me. Or you can stay, get help, and try to save your relationship. I’ll love you either way. You’re my baby girl and I will always love you. But…I think it’s time you found a counselor. A mother’s not a relationship saver, and right now you and Kev need the counseling cavalry.”
“Did you ever have to see a counselor?” Julie sniffled.
“Well good heavens yes,” her mother said. “It’s not like your father and I always had an easy time, and it’s not the Dark Ages. Of course I’ve seen a counselor!”
A generation ago people thought it was shocking to get marriage counseling. People were supposed to act like pioneers on the Plains and tough it out…and never mind how many of those pioneer marriages were short and unhappy, with drink, abandonment, and domestic violence part of everyday family life. These days, however, far more people are finding better answers. If you want to save your relationship, don’t end by looking for counseling: begin there.
Was your family that much happier than those around you? Most people struggle alone, getting worse and worse, when they could be getting better. If you want to get better, you get help.
A couples counselor is a trained relationship saver first. If things fail to work even with help, he or she can ease the ending of a relationship—but the first thing a counselor is there to do is help you save your relationship if at all possible. With decades of experience condensed into years of training a couples counselor can provide a fair and dispassionate guide to help you find your way through the confusion of a failing relationship.
By finding a good, professional couples counselor you can begin on the long, and often challenging path towards saving your relationship. The difficulties are real, as Julie was learning. But her mother was right: a good counselor is a relationship saver. For Julie and her Kev it worked well. They both went in hoping for the best, and they worked hard together. Sooner than she ever thought possible, Julie was calling her mother to share happiness instead of tears.
“I thought you were nuts,” she admitted later. “I mean, a ‘relationship saver.’ It seemed pretty silly. But…”
“But you wanted to save your relationship,” her mother said, “And a good counselor gave you a safe place and a wise guide to help you do it. Sometimes that’s all it takes, you know. A counselor can’t work miracles. But sometimes the miracle is that you went to a counselor in the first place.”
If you’re fighting to save your relationship with someone you care about, start with your own little miracle: find a good counselor, and begin the process. It’s worth every second, as you become your own relationship saver—and save your happiness as well.
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